It’s been a little while since I’ve posted something meaningful, huh? That’s not any reflection of me or this site in any way. Mostly, I think, I’ve been keeping my ranting in the real world because that’s where it helps me the most. Often, though I use writing to think, what I’d been needing was advice or validation. And that isn’t what I come here to find.

But tonight I want myself to remember something, so here I am.

I’ve mentioned my job being more work than before several times. This is kind of the nature of a job at a start-up company. There is ALWAYS more work than there are people to do it, and commonly everyone is working a couple different roles at the same time. While that’s been true since I started with the company in 2020, it’s really picked up in the last 12 months. I went from having one job as a team manager to having 2 separate teams to manage, plus being an advisor on several other teams, plus being the analytical lead for one of those company-defining metrics that nobody can go 30 seconds without needing to reference, plus “other assigned tasks” which really means “stuff nobody else wants to do/knows how to do/can be trusted to do.” At this point, I have at least 2.5 full time jobs.

I know the stats. I know women don’t ask for promotions as often as men, and don’t get them as often. I know administrative busywork often gets added to a woman’s plate without compensation the same way women end up being the logistics planners for events as a default. I know my being both agreeable and highly competent makes it easy for bosses and leaders to shuffle things my way because they know I’ll handle it. I know how it works and how unfair it is.

And even knowing all that, it is still so hard to ask for a promotion.

I’m going to do it. But it’s hard.

Some of it is doubt, right? Like, sure I’m doing all this work they could pay 3 people to do, but am I REALLY good enough to deserve a better title and more pay? I mean, I’m just me, right? Nothing that special.

That’s the first lie I tell myself. Because I do deserve it, and I am that special because I am demonstrably getting it done. So that doubt feels real, but is invalid.

Some of it is fear. What if they say no? What if I create a problem for myself with my boss by asking for something like this? What if it changes the way my boss interacts with me? Maybe it would be better not to rock the boat.

Second lie right there. It is NOT better to not rock the boat. And what’s the worst that can happen? Is they say no. And if worse than that happens? Then I need to know that. I need to know if my boss is going to change his behavior because I asked for what was fair and right. And rejection, while painful or disheartening, is also something I need to know.

Some of it is just not knowing how to do it. How does one go about walking up to a powerful person and demanding recognition? How do I prove my value? How do I show it?

Well, that’s where mentors come in. And I have a bunch.

So I’ve spoken to women I trust in and outside my company, and I’ve put together a piece of paper. On the left is my job description. On the right is every other job I’m currently doing. And when you lay it out like that, you can see how much work isn’t part of what I’m being compensated for today.

Will it work? I dunno.

But when I look my boss in the virtual eye with this in hand, there will be nobody who can say I didn’t prove my point.

It’s scary in the way querying is scary, sorta. It’s balling up a part of myself, my sweat and tears, my creativity and work, my hours of effort, and demanding it be seen. “Acknowledge me!” I scream as I lob that query letter into the void. “Recognize me!” I demand, my accomplishments and successes laid out in corporate-speak on a nice non-Powerpoint slide. “See me!” I beg as I write on a blog no one reads.

Every writer has a story of themself to tell. Every singer a song of their own soul. And even the boring finance job is a vehicle for expression, though that expression may be less of the inner life and more of the spreadsheet prowess.

It’s different, but it is also the same. Everyone, I think, wants to be recognized for what they do, for what they have made, for what they bring to the world. And while I may not yet have succeeded in the query journey — SIGH — and while I may not succeed in asking for my rightly-earned promotion — bigger SIGH — I’m still asking. I’m still demanding.

And I’m not letting up any time soon.

Whatever happens with this job, there could always be another one. Whatever happens with this book, there WILL be another one.

I’m not sure I can say with full confidence yet that I truly know my worth, but I am figuring it out more all the time. And the more I find in it, the more I refuse to hide it.

I’m not going to let those doubts and the lies I tell myself hold me back. I do know that I deserve better than that. And I am, finally, willing to go fight for it.

Wish me luck!