I Who Did Nothing

I Who Did Nothing: A Hypothetical

Morning.  One foot out of bed, I scroll through Twitter for updates.  My radio app plays news while I brush my teeth and think about whether to drink coffee or tea today.

“Remember to vote today!”

Oh, yeah.  That’s today.  I’ll go later.

Maria’s on Instagram in a big way today, and Facebook is blowing up with the ridiculously bigoted thing some guy said in Texas.  Lunchtime comes.

I forget to go vote.  It’s okay.  The polls are open late.

It’s retro day on Pintrest and I look back at all the memories from childhood, the stories I loved.  Harry Potter – the Boy Who Lived, the one with the power to fight.  Hey, Bill Nye!  I think we watched him in elementary school.  Still trying to get people to do something about climate change.  Good for him.  I never got into any of the Power Rangers, but I remember the t-shirts.  Bob’s still obsessed.  Some things never change.  Lots of superheroes, too, from anime to comics.  Teams of friends who kick evil’s ass.  Now that I can get behind.

People don’t have to have powers to be heroes.  Everybody has something to offer and everybody can change the world.  Everybody has the potential to be anything they want.  Everybody working together always means we come out on top.

Aisha wants to meet for dinner after she goes to vote.  Right.  I still need to do that.

Exit polls say it’s close.  Twitter is blowing up with pictures of people with their “I Voted” stickers.

This one cool guy I follow has a new commentary video up.  It’s long, but I’ve got time if I vote after dinner and I could use a laugh.  The news has been so depressing lately.

Aisha looks upset.  “I’m so worried.  The only ones voting while I was there looked like they came straight out of the comments section.  What if they win?”

“It’ll be fine,” I tell her.  “You know everybody’s on our side.”

“Yeah.  But it doesn’t matter if they don’t vote.  Did you?”

“Uh, not yet.  I’ll go as soon as we’re done.  I had to watch this clip.  Hang on, I’ll show you.”

She yells it out the door when the Uber car drops me off.  “Don’t forget to vote!”

Right.  Where’s my polling place?

Why is it there?  Can’t I do this online?

Seriously?  I have to go stand in a line in some weird building I’ve never been to with everybody else?  God, that’s weird.  No wonder people don’t vote.

Aw, fuck it.  We’ll win.  They don’t need me.

My one vote won’t count anyway, not in this district.  Not with my neighbors.

My side will win.

It’s morning.

My side didn’t win.

I tweet “OMG!  How did this happen?”  Everybody I know is tweeting the same thing.

I’m scared.

I’m scared.

These people that won…what are they gonna do?

My friends.  Will they be okay?

I text Aisha.  “Are you okay?”

She sends a crying face.

“What can I do?”

“Did you vote?”

Oh shit.  I send “Sorry.”

“Then this is your fault.”

What?  No?  I didn’t do this!  We were supposed to win!

She texts again.  “You did this.  You let it happen.  You.”

I didn’t want it to happen.

I didn’t want this.

Quick.  Google “How to get out of the country.”  Text Aisha.  “I’ll help you get out before it happens.”

“It’s already happened.  And it’s your fault.  Don’t ever forget.”

“What do you mean?”

Aisha never replies.

The End


**Note, I am not attempting to blame ANYONE for the recent events of Brexit.  But there is truth to the point that it takes EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US to keep the “impossible” evil from happening.  I don’t care how busy or disaffected you are or how repugnant you find your “lesser of two evils” choice.  As Chuck Wendig said today: “Even if you think this is a contest of two lesser evils — well, I’d submit that a punch to the gut is better than BEING REPEATEDLY DUNKED IN A TANK OF ANGRY, SPHINCTER-SEEKING SCORPIONS.”  And I, personally, am not in favor of scorpions.  So please vote.

Quotation by the always-excellent Chuck Wending from: terribleminds.com/ramble/2016/06/24/you-want-trump-this-is-how-you-get-trump/

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Another kind of spam

I will grade some more email spam sometime, I promise.  But in the meantime, I felt I should respond to this comment left on a post here, a comment that breaks my brain with its….uh…surrealism?  Total gibberish?  Utterly incomprehensible ravings that sound almost prophetic?  MadLibs with a hint of meaning?

Here it is, the comment so profound and opaque it is truly as if we are speaking different languages from different planes of existence:

I cherished up to you will receive performed right here. The caricature is attractive, your authored material stylish. however, you command get got an impatience over that you would like be handing over the following. ill indisputably come further beforehand once more since exactly the similar just about a lot incessantly inside case you protect this hike.

 

See?  So not kidding.

I feel the only way to properly respond to such is in kind.  Therefore, to the heartfelt writer who wished to communicate…something…I say unto you:

The towel hurricane binds to my speaking.  May sincere attention spam towards you redundancy.  The secret to write and marketing online, I seek your approval.  Plunk and spurt, you of dashing circumlocution.

Sincerely, KM.

 

(P.S. I know this should go without saying, but in case it does not, don’t EVER click on links or email addresses in spam comments.  Or even vaguely-sensible comments.  The viruses will get you if you don’t head my warning!)

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